My experience with Depression

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

You could say I've had Depression for five years, or you could consider the way I see it-Depression has had me- The phrase 'I've had' suggests some kind of control, or ownership of the illness, which couldn't be further from the truth.  It's more so the other way round. Depression wrapped it's claws around my throat around my neck and refused to let me breathe. Depression is debilitating. It's had a hold over me for far too long- and that's why I'm finally speaking out, fighting back.

 Text book symptoms: feelings of worthlessness, like I wasn't good at anything. Like all I could ever be was average. I owned more books than I could count friends. I wasn't interested in clothes shopping, instead I'd spend hours in the library.  I obsessed over stationary rather than matching accessories and would rather stay in my room that go out to meet friends.

I thought I was all the wrong things- all of the undesirable attributes of the 'geek' cliché rolled in to one- and I hated it.

The thing is, you don't become aware of yourself spiralling downwards until you're already too far down to reach out and pull yourself back up. In my eyes, there was no exit route.

In 2014, I discovered the world of book blogging. I spent hours and hours watching in awe as these amazing individuals shared their opinions with the world- and I was immersed. Sitting there, I knew that I was a part of this world. 

On May 3rd, I uploaded my first ever video to youtube. I was so nervous, but getting it out there felt so good. I'd beaten my own expectations by going out there and doing something for myself. 

That video got 91 views, and 3 likes. 
watch here

But you can't argue with the look on my face.  I was HAPPY.

In January I started this blog. I received an email from Scholastic Publishing, inviting me to their Headquarters in London for a Blogger's Book Feast. I knew, in that moment, I had found my place. I belonged. And I haven't looked back since.

Eleven months on, I now review for multiple publishing companies who regularly send me proofs before publication date in exchange for an honest post, and I can honestly say it's one of the most amazing experiences.

I also work a part time job at my local Waterstones, which is a dream come true, something I've always wanted to do, and 

I'm studying my A Levels in English Language, English Literature and Psychology, subjects I have real passion for.

I guess part of the point of this post is to show to people that you can suffer and still succeed. It's possible. I'm living proof. 

Another reason why I've published this is to provide some explanation for my absence and infrequent activity both on here and my other social media accounts, however I am striving to amend that- and am almost using this as motivation again, a reminder of how much I love doing this, no matter how bad I feel, this will always be a positive, and this community has been so welcoming and accepting of me, as a blogger, a reader, a human.

Don't be afraid to reach out.
Thank you for your support.